5 Ways To Have Sex With Your Apple iPhone

Yes, in this article, we will reveal 5 ways in which to have sex with your iPhone. Don’t worry, none of them require any special positions, unless of course you happen to be into any of those positions, that is.

But before I do that, I’m curious, did you read this article BEFORE you forwarded it on? Pretty interesting.

Who was it, NPR that wrote a fake headline about Americans reading less than ever before was virally forwarded without most people reading it. Maybe the same will happen with this article.

Just to make it even more viral, let me add a photo:

There you go.

This post is a bit of link bait, plus a bit of something else. Even though it annoys me that so many people flock to posts like this simply because of a seductive headline (really – what kind of sex can you have with an iPhone – don’t worry that information is coming) I find myself doing the same thing – those of us in severe time crunches (basically everyone – who really has the time to really read a nice, long, 1000+ word article with all sorts of research and background – an actual story in the real, true journalistic sense.) No, we see a cool, interesting, funny, stupid headline then tweet it, facebook it, pinterest it, etc. We don’t even stop the 3 minutes it takes to read it. And that’s sad.

Why do we even pass it on at all? Are we trying to show how cool and plugged in we are with our friends? Are we trying to show how cutting edge we are – how funny we are – how ironic we are? This constant flow of crap we gladly pass around – how does this improve the human condition? How does this make life better? Sure we might get a laugh or two, a productivity tip here and there (which we might use once or twice and then discard), but really, what have we actually learned?? How have we grown as people, or how have we (if you are so inclined) improved the world? We haven’t.

We consume and then we share something so that others can consume it, most of the time not even adding our own two cents. Sometimes we even just consume the headline and send the rest on. How does sharing crap benefit anyone? it doesn’t.

Stop consuming and start creating. What have you built lately? What have you written lately? Why are you consuming this and not creating something of value instead. Stop wasting your life and your time on crap.

Ok, rant over. Now on to the 5 Ways To Have Sex With Your Apple iPhone

Why Does This Headline Work?

Three reasons:

  1. We love lists
  2. We love sex
  3. It mentions an Apple product

Why do we love lists SO MUCH? I mean are we really so time crunched that we have to bullet point everything into some photo heavy list of stuff with hardly any content. How does a numbered list of items help you? Forget the in-depth article detailing why you can’t find your true love – here’s a list of easy to digest points you will read and not follow to find it.

On sex, no explanation needed. Humans, typically, love it, and will read about it at every opportunity. Although there are more asexuals than ever before (although I hear that even the GLBT community has issues with them – interesting how the recently “accepted” also have trouble accepting others perceived even more out of the mainstream) we still flock to anything with SEX in the title.

On the Apple product: the only thing I can think of is the slavish attraction Apple fans have to anything Apple. Personally, I don’t get it – like all technology, its a tool to perform a task, whether its email your buddy to finding a date to getting somewhere, Apple vs Android doesn’t matter to me. But for some reason, people love to read about Apple, Apple products, Apple anything. When I look over most of the posts I’ve gotten tons of hits on, they invariable feature the mention of a current (iPHone, iPad) or future (iWatch) product. At this very moment, my post on 3 Things The Apple iWatch Must Be is my most shared post on LinkedIn.

If you’ve read this far, then here is your reward:

5 Ways To Have Sex With Your Apple iPhone

  1. Run Tinder and hookup with someone
  2. Use it to control your vibrator
  3. Use it as a vibrator
  4. Use it to surf Craigslist and hookup with someone via “Casual Encounters
  5. Use it to call a local escort service

See, I told you this post might actually teach you 5 Ways To Have Sex With Your Apple iPhone.

But did you really learn anything? If you read this far, pat yourself on the back and comment on this post with something – even just “YO!” either on Facebook or on my blog.


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